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Tuesday, 01 December 2009

  • Just returned from a very interesting planning retreat with some of the youth leaders. It was quite an 'experience'... seeing God work in, through and amongst everyone of us. God really answered our prayers!! Overall, if nothing else came out of the planning, the very least (but the most important thing!) we all took home is the message to be passionate about raising the next generation to be passionate about raising the next generation!

    This is no easy task and as I have been reading this book on The Heart of Godly Leadership by Alan Webb, I am continually challenged about my own journey of being discipled and discipling others. It is not an easy task at all.

    Most people look at the discipleship process as some glamorized training program, and the discipler (aka the "trainer") obviously gets more glamour and attention. On the contrary, there is nothing glamorous at all about the being a discipler. In fact, it is a very humbling and painful process to go through. Your flaws and weaknesses are exposed for the disciple to see, you open your lives and share your struggles, you allow yourselves to be vulnerable and open yourself to the possibility of being ridiculed, condemned and rejected.

    Some of us have recently been sharing with each other about the difficult people God has allowed to cross our paths and each and every of those conversations, our own weaknesses are magnified many times over the weaknesses of those we are 'discipling'! Our impatience, lack of grace, mercy, love, inability to advise and encourage accordingly, lack of experience and understanding to find out what the root cause is and so to provide appropriate counsel and action... this really is the true test of whether you are a good discipler or not. These are the hot water situations that brings out our true quality... and so far, my cup of tea only seems to get murkier and stinker! And as the days go by, I find myself becoming less and less confident in my own ablities and learning to depend more and more on God's wisdom, strength and love to help me fulfil my role and duty. The more I strive, the more my weaknesses are amplified, the more inadequate I feel, and the more I rely God... which actually should have been the first thing I had done.

    As difficult the journey is, Lord won't You continue to mould me and make me Your servant. Teach me to be more like you and to love as You do, to show grace and mercy as You do and to see each person as You do. Above all else, may You be glorified and not me because it is Christ who lives in me and works in me!

Saturday, 21 November 2009

  • And so in the midst of sleepless nights, pondering upon what it means to have a gentle and quiet spirit, stressing over the weeks that lie ahead as we begin our busiest season yet at work, frustrated about my own weaknesses and failings whilst trying to guide and help others, frightened by the changes that are still yet to come... with a heavy heart, I bid farewell to our home helper for the past half a decade. It seemed just a while ago when she came and here she is holding my hand, wishing me all the best, asking me to take care of myself, as she climbs into the cab and heads back to her homeland.

    This is just the beginning. I can't even bear the think of the bigger farewell I have to say, in a few days time. I just want to hide in a corner and not come out until everything is over.

    I feel as though an earthquake is taking place or is about to take place in my life... in a few short days, everything in my life would look nothing like it used to. Nothing would be in the right places, everything I have known and been comfortable with all these years, will be moved, thrown, reordered so that it in order to move on, the only thing to do is to start anew and rebuild from the start. I wonder how. I know God will be there every step of the way and I know somehow things will work out - that I have no doubt. Yet I am anxious because I also know there will be times of great fear, times of loneliness, times of darkness, times of uncertainties...and then I know that after each of those dark times, God's love and grace will shine through to restore me. Lord, please help me.

Saturday, 14 November 2009

  • A while ago there was a bit of reshuffling made to my Monday class. There was a new mentor, and additional new kids... which resulted in a splitting up of my kids and jumbling up of new and old kids. It was not a very pleasant experience and they completely floored both me and the new mentor on the first day of the split. You can imagine the drama that ensued... lots of whining, whinging, begging, temper tantrums, sulking, even threats to keep things to the status quo. Alas, such could not be done, and so they, being very persevering (and relatively free!) teenagers, they started using whatever means they could to get their message across. The result? The following spams on my facebook page! Such manipulation from such young kids.. tsk tsk.. haha It made me smile though! Not to mention, a great ego boost!! How can you not love them??? hehe

    Zen Kyle JESSICA!!! :) Hello my lovely warm funny charismatic happy inviting smart friendly( i think so) smiling mentor! how are you? i bet your marvelous! arent our class just perfect together? just perfect nothing is wrong. everybody is not shy and stuff. BUT NOT ANYMORE! please please please switch back our mates and switch those new ones together :) thank you!

    Sheun Wern Hey mentor! :) look, the class was PERFECT when i took my very first step into it. But, not anymore. please please change it back :( :( :(

    Tracy Tan Hi jessica! (: the class was like two peas in a pod when we started. Everyone was meant to be in the same class. And you were perfect at mentoring us. You were meant for us. :D But not anymore. Why did we have to separate when we were doing so well together? Change us back please. ):

    Daniel Pang HEY DUDETTE!!!!hey Tabitha is a great mentor, but she's just not you...DAMN SAD LAH!!!i mean with our class, all the laughter, dont you miss any of it?Tabitha is great but not as great as you.PLS CHANGE US BACK!I mean we were all so close, it just doesn't feel right not to have all of them in the same class, its like H...an Solo without Chewbaca, Char Kuey Teow without nga choi, pizza without tomato sauce, Elton John without gayness...you know what i mean. PLS CHANGE US BACK.Thanks^^

Sunday, 01 November 2009

  • True Worshippers - Nyanyi Bagi Dia
    Angkatlah suaramu
    Puji dan serukan nama Yesus
    Tanggalkan bebanmu
    Tak perlu kau khuatir
    S'bab Dia sanggup

    Gerakkan kakimu
    Menarilah dan bertepuk tangan
    Bersukacitalah
    Tak perlu kau khuatir
    S'bab Dia sanggup

    S'karang nyanyikan kebesaranNya
    Dia kuat dan penuh kuasa
    Bersorak-sorai kar'na kasihNya
    T'lah datang melawat kita
    Nyanyi bagi Dia

    The Lord knows my heart's desire. Just in the morning, I had found myself humming this song and wondering why we did not sing it anymore in church. And sure enough, during celebration today, this came up! It is so comforting indeed to know, that God is ABLE! I do not need to doubt because He is able! And should there be any burdens I am carrying, I need only to lay them at His feet and surrender them to Him. Praise the Lord and rejoice indeed!

    Brian Doerkson - Refiner's Fire
    Purify my heart
    Let me be as gold, and precious silver
    Purify my heart
    Let me be as gold, pure gold

    Refiner's fire
    My heart's one desire
    Is to be holy
    Set apart for You, Lord
    I choose to be holy
    Set apart for You, my Master
    Ready to do Your will

    Purify my heart
    Cleanse me from within and make me holy
    Purify my heart
    Cleanse me from my sin, deep within

    Lord, You know me and the condition of my heart. There is nothing I can hide from You, and nowhere I can run to hide from You. So Lord, as I surrender my all to You, may You do with me as you please. I want to be made pure. Create in me a pure heart, O Lord, and renew a steadfast spirit within me! Lord, even in the face of trials and temptations, help me to remember that those are things I will have to face in life, and help me to remember to place my full and complete trust in You to carry me through them. Help me, Lord, to remember what it means to be in the Refiner's Fire... that though it may be painful, it is, and will be worth it, in the end. Purify me, Lord.

    Judson Van DeVenter - I Surrender All
    I surrender all
    I surrender all
    All to thee, my Precious Saviour
    I surrender all

    And Lord, I surrender my all to You. There is none - nothing, no one - I desire besides You, for only You can satisfy this longing. You are, Lord, my Precious Saviour and help me Lord to never forget the precious sacrifice You made on the cross of Calvary. Precious, precious Savior, I love You Lord. Even though I am completely unworthy of such love and sacrifice, You did it still out of your rich grace and mercy. And as I begin even to contemplate and evaluate the things I have in my life, where I want to go, what I want to do... help me not to forget You. Help me to put You first in everything, not to become complacent nor proud but to centre everything else in my life around You. You deserve it all, You are my all.

Thursday, 29 October 2009

  • A sure sign I need a break from work or at least, just a break...

    Was told today by a colleague, that last week some of his kids (whom I've taught before) made some very interesting (and deeply insightful!) comments about me. They wondered aloud what had happened to me in the past year. They said I used to be such a nice and sweet mentor, and one of them said he even thought about marrying me! (HAHA!) But recently, they found that I have become increasingly (and incredibly!) grouchy, moody and fierce. Bah... so what happened to Aunty Jessica? *sobs*.. tis the emergence of the Mr Hyde in me =(  My only comfort (though not really) is that they said almost the same thing about another female colleague of mine. After some discussion, one of them tries to sum it up, and this one takes the cake though.. and it is certainly not flattering in any way: "Must be the age lah" Booooooohoooohooo! I'm turning into an old grouch and I'm barely even 30!!

    I think people in the teaching profession really ought to take breaks every now and then just to recuperate and refocus. I mean, after days-in and days-out of facing rebellious, smart-alec, stubborn, rude, annoying, loud kids... it's easy to forget why you're in the profession in the first place and just go with the flow - that is, scream, shout, demand, scold, punish just to get the results. Sigh. No wonder kids come out so messed up. It scares me that I have a part in contributing to their messed-up-ness! Sobs!

    Got to re-align my focus. Just go to. Before I keep going down that sordid path and end up becoming some weird, demented tormentor of a mentor =P